#119: Well wasted

Many years ago, late one night, my friend Ross advanced a theory. When you died, he reckoned — well, hoped, really — you would be presented with your lifetime stats.  Total farts, time spent commuting, books read, number potential true loves you passed on an escalator, and so on. It’s a lovely idea and has always stuck with me. Much better than the whole heaven/hell thing, certainly. If that’s real I am screwed.

I was reminded of this at the weekend while doing other things, and quickly found myself mulling over the idea in the context of videogames. We all enjoy our Spotify Wrapped, don’t we, and the end-of-year equivalents produced in recent years by Microsoft and Sony. What if someone up there — or down there, let’s not prejudge — is keeping track of our activities in all the games we have played, across all platforms, throughout our entire lives, and will present it to us on the day our number finally comes up? And what might that list contain? I have come up with a few. I would love to hear yours too.

Heavens, I think this is Hit Points’ first ever list feature. Let’s try not to make too much of a habit out of it.

COMBAT
-Fireballs thrown
-Dragon punches whiffed
-Butts stomped
-Weak points hit
-Combos dropped

ONLINE
-Ragequits caused
-Lifetime K:D ratio
-Lifetime W:L ratio
-Time spent matchmaking
-Losses blamed falsely on latency

ACTIVITIES
-Map icons cleared
-Horses whistled for
-Checkpoints reached
-Cutscenes skipped
-Buttons pressed trying to skip unskippable cutscenes
-Times ran left instead of right at the start of a 2D platformer level

INVESTMENT
-Total lifetime gaming spend (actually this is a horrible idea, please don’t do this)
-Total spent on subscriptions (this too)
-Average cost of each completed subscription game (okay, I regret this entire section)

CHOICES
-Games bought
-Games bought and never played
-Games bought and only played once
-Freebies claimed and never played
-Hours spent scrolling through Steam library before loading Slay The Spire

Sorry about that. It’s my birthday this week, so I am even more conscious of my mortality than usual. Nice to have something to look forward to when the curtain falls, I suppose.

MAILBAG!

“Fortnite is far from my regular cup of tea, having only dipped a toe in shortly after launch and very occasionally in the years since,” writes Joe in response to Friday’s Hit Points. “When the Xbox Cloud Gaming news broke last week, I tried the game on my phone and was seriously impressed. I've been both interested in and critical of game streaming ever since OnLive was first announced. I've also tried PS Now and Google Stadia in recent years, and neither offered something truly appealing. But playing Fortnite nigh-on directly through the web browser on a five-year-old phone, and it all feeling very natural, seems like a bit of a milestone to me. Give it a try, you may be surprised.” We’ll see. I admit my perspective on cloud gaming is skewed by my living in an 18th century farmhouse with foot-thick walls. I set up a fancy wired mesh network a few months back, so maybe it’s time I gave it another shot. Probably not Fortnite, though. It makes me feel 200 years old.

Cor, MAILBAG’s great, isn’t it? And today’s subject is ripe for discussion, I feel. To get in touch you can either leave a comment below or reply to this very email.

MORE!

• Microsoft plans to launch a Game Pass streaming device in the next 12 months, it says here, as well as a bespoke app for Samsung TVs. Despite all the firm’s noble efforts to build out its subscription service on Xbox and PC, this is the Game Pass killer app. Get this right and everything changes.
• Nvidia has been fined $5.5m by the US Securities and Exchange Commission for downplaying the impact of crypto-mining on GPU sales. The SEC can now almost afford a 3090 Ti.
• Under-18s in China are no longer allowed to tip streamers without a guardian’s permission, or stream themselves after 10pm, as state regulators continue to crack down on gaming.
• David Ward, co-founder of Britsoft legend Ocean Software, has passed away at age 75.
• Peripheral maker Razer will be delisted from the Hong Kong stock exchange by the end of the month, after almost 95% of shareholders voted to re-privatise the company.
• Reggie Fils-Aimé is still out there promoting his book, which I suppose Hit Points will have to read at some point, and in the process the former NOA boss continues to show the world his backside. The latest: he hated Donkey Konga. “I fought with our parent company,” he said. “I thought it was going to hurt the Donkey Kong brand. Personally, I didn’t find it a lot of fun to play.” Ugh.

There we go! You’re all caught up. Please do the usual things with the buttons, have a great couple of days, and I’ll see you all on Wednesday — when I may be announcing a few changes to how Hit Points works. (Good ones, I think, so don’t worry.) Cheerio!